vampireapologist:

vampireapologist:

One Christmas Eve I talked about my friend sleeping on the couch when we were kids to try to see Santa, and my young cousin decided HE wanted to sleep on the couch to see Santa, and as he said this to me, my uncle was behind him, desperately signaling at me to somehow dissuade him and I panicked and just looked at him very calmly and said

“it’s too dangerous to try to look at santa.”

“why?”

“well how fast do you think he has to be moving to get all over the world in one night? he’s so fast and full of magic, if you look at santa directly, your eyes burn out.”

My Uncle nodded at me like “yeah that’ll work.”

It did.

yeah here it is

macfoundhispride:

trying to provoke an emotional reaction out of urself by watching sad movies when u’ve been numb and disconnected frm ur own body for days

204:

unfunny people when they talk to someone funny: ARE YOU ON DRUGS WHAT DRUGS ARE YOU TAKING LMAO

beetledrink:

i love it when you accidentally meet eyes with a stranger in public and you flash a quick polite smile and they look at you like they wish you were dead in a ditch

thetony-stark:

stronger than ever for the people he loves, one last fight…

©️ultraraw26 IG

pissvortex:

pizzaback:

beetledrink:

pissvortex:

thank god nobody on this website was horny for the main character from cloudy with a chance of meatballs

i hate to say this but we dont KNOW that

oh people definitely were you were lucky enough to never see them

*covering my ears and shouting* shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP SHUT U

silvermoonphantom:

ironinkpen:

concept: after a few meetings, miles’ dad finally realizes that spiderman is like. a kid. and not even like a college kid, an actual, legitimate, “thinks dropping his voice actually disguises it” child. after his freak out (he went up against king pin but he’s so small?? rio he said he loved me he’s a baby-) he becomes very determined To Stop Spiderman (From Hurting Himself), but since the kid’s so slippery he mostly just… dads at him from the sidelines, yells encouragements and backs him up in fights and asks him if he’s okay afterwards between lectures on vigilantism and also do your parents know where you are young man? and at some point the double parenting starts to confuse miles and he accidentally calls him dad to his face while in the spiderman suit without even noticing. but jefferson notices and is like. Ah. My Child Now. and Operation: Stop Spiderman turns into Operation: Adopt Spiderman. so anyway he’s currently trying to figure out how to ask miles if he’d be okay with having a brother and miles is currently trying to figure out how to tell his own father that he can’t actually adopt him 

OP please I want to read this so bad

allsadnshit:

if you didnt watch amv’s when you were a kid then you probably cant feel the full spectrum of human emotion even now 

dingdongyouarewrong:

old enough to remember when smut was called ‘lemons’ but young enough that i had absolutely no business knowing that smut was called ‘lemons’ at the time 

teaboot:

teaboot:

When I was a kid my favourite song was ‘save a horse, ride a cowboy’ because I had no idea it was about sex

Thought it was like this

shounenchild:

hippiee:

weird how 15 years from now it might be ur wedding or ur kids birthday but rn it’s just a regular shitty day

This comment absolutely decimated me on impact

doujinshi:

anue:

Friend: how do you say i love you in german

Me: ich liebe dich

Friend: i also love dick

das ist so traurig alexa spiel 99 luftballons